Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Old Poodle

Forwarded by bayi

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles,
along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing
butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a young leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the
old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the
trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old
poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good
use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes,
but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon
catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for
himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen
to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his backand thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending
he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to
hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him
off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story.............

Don't mess with old people for age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be
five fewer people laughing in the world.


Monday, August 14, 2006

The Last Laugh

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was a real hardass , who was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
One day, while on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to do something, to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO stormed up to the guy, leaning against the wall, and asked,"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF HERE, and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"
From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


Saturday, August 05, 2006

Precision Skills

Forwarded by bhayi.

Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work.

He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer ......................... $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ......................... $ 9998.00

3 Minute Management Course

Forwarded by Bayi

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. " They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bull sh#* might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who sh#*'s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of #@* is your friend..

(3) And when you're in deep #@*, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the three minute management course.