Tired of Your Job?

Be careful what you wish for

A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

" Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."


God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.


He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,

Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.


He cleaned the cat's litter box andbathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.


At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.


After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted


And, though his daily chores weren'tfinished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.


The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord,

I don't know what I was thinking. Iwas so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."


The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned

your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.


You'll just have to wait nine months though. You just got pregnant last night ."

job,
pregnant
humor

Breaking the World Record?

Men like to outdo one another. That is why they try to break the existing world record. When I say men, that includes young boys.

Forwarded by bayi.



record,
humor

A Real Cowboy-Gender Issue?

A Real Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."


lesbian,
cowboy
humor

Performance Evaluation

A blonde got a job with the Public Works Department. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!!

"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from
meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied,"Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
humor,
performance evaluation

The Blond Farmer's Problem

There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she couldn't tell apart.

She went to her neighbor and asked if he had any ideas to help her.

The neighbor told her to trim part of one horse's tails so one would be shorter than the other.

The blonde thanked her neighbor and went home. She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the fence.

Now the blonde had a problem because she couldnt tell the horses apart again. So she went back to her neighbor and asked him what she could do.

Her neighbor said to trim one of the horse's ears.

The blond thanked her neighbor again and went home. Then she trimmed one of her horse's ears. Now he could tell them apart. Until one day when the other horse go its ear caught in the fence.

Now the blond was stuck. So she went back to her neighbor. Her neighbor suggested that she measure her horses.

The blond thanked her neighbor once again and went home.

It turns out, that the black horse is two inches taller then the white horse,.

horse,
blond
humor

The Baptism

Forwarded by polo.


Three little Boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with Us.
Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".

" When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do You think We are?"

The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, ......because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, .because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, .....because they just sprinkle water on You."

The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!"


They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do You think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians.


Baptist,
Catholics
humor

Loving Couple

Loving Couple

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
He said, "Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see,I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. She said, "Mom, when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about 6 months
later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks,
"What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"


wedding,
bride
humor

Martha Stewart Wanted

Martha Stewart wanted

This woman walked in her house and her husband was sitting on the couch watching football.

She asked him "Honey, could please change the lightbulb?"

He said "Does it look like i have A.C.E written on my forehead?"

She said "That's ok, could you please fix the fridge door?" and he said

"Does it look like I have General Electric written on my forehead?"

Then she asks "Honey could you please fix the steps, they are about to fall through" And then he said "Does it look like I am a carpenter" and so then she is mad and he leaves and goes to a bar.

When he gets back, he notices that everythings is fixed and he says "Honey how did you fix everything"

She said "I was sitting on the porch crying and a man came up and said what's wrong, and I told him the story and he said I will fix everything if you either sleep with me or bake me a cake"

and her husband said "Well what kind of cake did you bake him?" and she said

"Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Martha Stewart,
Betty Crocker
humor

The Blind Men and the Elephant

The Blind Men and the Elephant

John Godfrey Saxe's ( 1816-1887) version of the famous Indian legend,

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.

The First approached the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
"God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!"

The Second, feeling of the tusk
Cried, "Ho! what have we here,
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me `tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!"

The Third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up he spake:
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a snake!"

The Fourth reached out an eager hand,
And felt about the knee:
"What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain," quoth he;
"'Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!"

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: "E'en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can,
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!"

The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Than, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope.
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a rope!"

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

Moral:

So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen!

elephant,
blind
humor

The Organist

The Organist


There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a
very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that
they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said
something had to be done about this or they would have
to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told
her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them
on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but
warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though
because they are so sour, they will make your mouth
pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the
pulpit and said............. "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond
my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

minister,
organist
humor

The Worried Wife

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with
relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said.
"What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such
a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't
had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I
have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed
to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she
said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour.
I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you.
I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house
to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In
fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home
and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not
coming over?"
wife,
mother
humor

Women and Mafia

Fwdedbybayi.

Q. Why are women worse than the mafia?

A: The mafia demands money or your life; women want both.
============================================================


A 60 year-old couple was celebrating their 40 years of marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared!

"Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish."

The wife quickly chimed in,"I want to travel around the world."

The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
"Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and...


POOF!... He was 90!
============================================================
What does a woman and a tornado have in common?

You can hear them both coming and they both take the house when they leave!
==============================================================
John and Lorraine had been dating each other for years and were getting bored of each other. They became like a married couple, nagging and sarcasm in all their conversations.

One day John met a girl named Cleary. She was pretty, smart and funny and John longed to break up with Lorraine and date Cleary but he couldn't.

Then one day Lorraine was walking along the side of a river when she fell in and drowned.

When John heard the news he was so happy he sang "I can see Cleary now, Lorraine is gone!"

Mafia,
women
humor

Sister, Got Milk?

Sister, Got Milk?

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.

However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

humor,Washington Post ,BBC News ,milk,technology,business

Sipping Vodka and the Priest's Homily

Sipping Vodka and the Priest's Homily

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous, on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciplines, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "late JC".
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

humor,Washington Post ,BBC News ,Reuters,technology,business,vodka,priest

Fishing License

Fishing License

Something to cheer those who felt discouraged by the recent revelations of a 30+ % bumi equity ownership:
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Forwarded by bayi

humor,Washington Post ,BBC News ,Reuters,technology,business

Food for Thought-The Power of Prayers and the Tavern Owner

Food for Thought-The Power of Prayers and the Tavern Owner

The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene.

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased- until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them.

He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge.

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked:

"At this point I don't know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don't."

Forwarded by bayi.


humor,Washington Post ,BBC News ,Reuters,technology,business

Special Offer for the Week, Three for $5

Rabbi In A Confession

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

rabbi,
Jews

Religious Mother

Forwarded by bhayi.

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

humor,religious ,Catholic,

Land of Penguins (Corporate Culture)

forwarded by bhayi

A Peacock in the Land
of Penguins

Adapted from a book by

BJ Gallagher Hateley & Warren H. Schmidt






There once was a time,
in the not so distant past,
when penguins ruled many lands
in the Sea of Organisations.

These penguins were not always wise,
they were not always popular,
but they were always in charge.






The top management wore the same outlook in their distinctive black and white suits.

They believed that uniformity is
the way to do things;
Uniformity is Unity.






On the other hand, worker birds wore colours and outfits that reflected their work and lifestyles.






Birds who aspired to move up
the corporate ladder were encouraged
to adopt the penguins’ code of conduct
and wear the penguin suits.

They learn the penguin stride and
follow the example of their leaders.






One day, Perry the peacock joined
the Land of Penguins.


He was loud, colourful and
full of new ideas.


Although he was different,
the penguins were impressed by his new ideas. They felt that he has real Penguin Potential.






Initially, everyone was happy.

The penguins were pleased
with their new recruit.

Perry was creative and
he brought in good results.
=






However, as time went by,
the penguins began to murmur against Perry.

He was too loud, too colourful
and had too many new ideas
that intruded the penguins’ comfort zone.

Too colourful

Too Loud!

Too many

new ideas!

We are NOT

comfortable!






Perry was also unhappy.
The penguins tried to turn him into a penguin.

He was told to “try to be like the rest of us,
wear a penguin suit”.

Both parties were unhappy.

Be like us!

Wear a penguin

suit!

Leave me alone...






We see this story unfolds
in many organisations today.

Creativity and innovation are seen to be
“a breath of fresh air” in many organisations.

Many “Perrys” are recruited for their creativity. Yet, along the way, their creativity is stifled by
the need to conform to the norm.






Other than penguins and peacocks,
there are also pigeons who are
peacemakers in the office,

Sparrows who try to be neutral
so as to keep a low profile or


Ostriches who choose to
bury their heads in the sand.

There will always be Penguins and Peacocks in any organisations.






Peacocks bring in varieties
and new ideas,
But, the stability provided by
the penguins must not be ignored.




Penguins,
being the backbone of the organisation,
need to recognise that
diversity can exist in an organisation
if there is acceptance and trust.






When we learn to appreciate
one another’s differences,
we become more willing to listen,
more open to new ideas and
more eager to grow.

Birds of different feathers
can work together in harmony.


The End...

corporate+structure,corporate culture

No Check Payments Please

Sent by Bhayi

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. '-I know, -' he says, 'they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.' They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, '-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20, 000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-'

At this the priest says, '-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50, 000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-'

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says '-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-'

humor,check

Exciting Period

Exciting period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

(forwarded by bhayi)

humor,Washington Post ,BBC News ,

Bacteria on Purses

From Polo

A study was performed on women's purses. A health team went to a local mall and took samples from the bottom of 50 women's purses. The purses were swabbed with cotton swabs along the entire bottom of the purses and placed into special containers. The swabs were then processed at a local laboratory.

The Health Report also showed where women place their purses: public rest-rooms (on the floor beside the toilet), kitchen counters & kitchen tables, on tables & chairs in restaurants, etc. The results of the laboratory tests contained the following most serious result: 1 out of 4 purses — E COLI

Other extremely serious bacteria also were listed, including Hepatitis.

They recommended that women should DAILY wipe their purses (particularly the bottom) with a disinfectant wipe and to be extremely careful where you sit your purse. Most important, do NOT place your purse on a table (anywhere) where you will eat or on a kitchen counter and do not put it anywhere close to a toilet.

Remember, when you flush a toilet, the spray goes a distance that is unrecognizable by the human eye.

WASH YOUR HANDS as often as you can! Keep an antibacterial hand sanitizer cleaner (no water needed) in your purse and use it often! And as soon as you get home from shopping (or wherever you have been and used your purse), immediately wipe it all over with a disinfectant wipe.

This is from me — MEN who do not wash their hands after relieving themselves should be ASHAMED! Not only that, they are seriously affecting your health and their own. My husband has told me many, many times (over 50% ratio) that he has seen men in public rest-rooms relieve themselves, zip up, and immediately leave the rest-room without washing their hands!! Women get on your men and be sure they are washing thoroughly after using the rest-room.

My hubby also noted that everyone spends all this time washing their hands and then grabs the door handle to exit the rest-room. So DAH! All those other folks who did NOT wash their hands have their germs all over the door handle! And I have seen many women who do NOT wash their hands after using the rest-room. So, use that paper towel you dried your hands on to open the door and then dispose of it in the closest waste receptacle (women, please do not put it in your purse!).

Repeating, this is a factual report aired today on Health News, Fox 5, Atlanta, GA. Please do your part for yourself and everyone else! As soon as I saw the report, I immediately cleaned my purse with my Clorox Antibacterial Wipe and then set it on a paper towel where I normally place it on a table in our den. And I asked my hubby to PLEASE scold me if he ever saw me putting my purse on the kitchen table or counter again!


humor,purses ,bacteria ,

Story: 7 Wonders of the World

From Bayi


A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noticed that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:

1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder - that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

humor,worldt

The Pregnant Lady

Forwarded by bhayi

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

Goodyear, humor

Lip Prints on the Mirror

Forwarded by bayi

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.



Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal
decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort as required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators!!!!!

humor,teachers ,educators

Google Office

Bhayi forwarded this to me including the pics. All I can say is wow, wow, and wow. Lucky these employees.





Cognizant of the importance of the employees' break to destress, the couches are everywhere where people can lie down when they need to and take a break.






Meetings are informal. They van be in the corridor or pool table.



Pets are welcomed.

There's a rule within Google: that there must be food within 100 feet of every employee.



The workspace expresses the individuality of the occupant.




There are games.



Whiteboards are for great ideas or not so great.



Free food.





There's also a free laundry room for use for the staff.




Google

The Lessons that the Little Boy Learned from School

From Bhayi

Once a little boy went to school.
He was quite a little boy
And it was quite a big school.
But when the little boy
Found that he could go to his room
By walking right in from the door outside
He was happy;
And the school did not seem
Quite so big anymore.

One morning
When the little boy had been in school awhile,
The teacher said:
"Today we are going to make a picture."
"Good!" thought the little boy.
He liked to make all kinds;
Lions and tigers,
Chickens and cows,
Trains and boats;
And he took out his box of crayons
And began to draw.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin!"
And she waited until everyone looked ready.
"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make flowers."
"Good!" thought the little boy,
He liked to make beautiful ones
With his pink and orange and blue crayons.
But the teacher said "Wait!"
"And I will show you how."
And it was red, with a green stem.
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin."

The little boy looked at his teacher's flower
Then he looked at his own flower.
He liked his flower better than the teacher's
But he did not say this.
He just turned his paper over,
And made a flower like the teacher's.
It was red, with a green stem.

On another day
When the little boy had opened
The door from the outside all by himself,
The teacher said:
"Today we are going to make something with clay."
"Good!" thought the little boy;
He liked clay.
He could make all kinds of things with clay:
Snakes and snowmen,
Elephants and mice,
Cars and trucks
And he began to pull and pinch
His ball of clay.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin!
"And she waited until everyone looked ready.
"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make a dish."
"Good!" thought the little boy,
He liked to make dishes.
And he began to make some
That were all shapes and sizes.

But the teacher said "Wait!"
"And I will show you how."
And she showed everyone how to make
One deep dish.
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin."

The little boy looked at the teacher's dish;
Then he looked at his own.
He liked his better than the teacher's
But he did not say this.
He just rolled his clay into a big ball again
And made a dish like the teacher's.
It was a deep dish.

And pretty soon
The little boy learned to wait,
And to watch
And to make things just like the teacher.
And pretty soon
He didn't make things of his own anymore.

Then it happened
That the little boy and his family
Moved to another house,
In another city,
And the little boy
Had to go to another school.

This school was even bigger
Than the other one.
And there was no door from the outside
Into his room.
He had to go up some big steps
And walk down a long hall
To get to his room.

And the very first day
He was there,
The teacher said:
"Today we are going to make a picture."

"Good!" thought the little boy.
And he waited for the teacher
To tell what to do.
But the teacher didn't say anything.
She just walked around the room.

When she came to the little boy
She asked, "Don't you want to make a picture?"
"Yes," said the lttle boy.
"What are we going to make?"
"I don't know until you make it," said the teacher.
"How shall I make it?" asked the little boy.
"Why, anyway you like," said the teacher.
"And any color?" asked the little boy.
"Any color," said the teacher.
"If everyone made the same picture,
And used the same colors,
How would I know who made what,
And which was which?"
"I don't know," said the little boy.
And he began to make a red flower with a green stem.

By Helen E. Buckley

teacher

The Psychology Professor

Sent by bhayi

Are You Stupid?

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new
college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who
thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the
professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing
there all by yourself."

humor,psychology

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

From Bhayi


You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.


Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!

humor,remote+control ,male

Dealing With Break ups

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

humor,Marines

The New Cab Driver

Just a Tap

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


humor,jokes

The Indian on a horseback

A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.

"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

humor,horse

The Old Poodle

Forwarded by bayi

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles,
along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing
butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a young leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the
old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the
trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old
poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good
use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes,
but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon
catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for
himself with the leopard.




The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen
to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his backand thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending
he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to
hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him
off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story.............


Don't mess with old people for age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be
five fewer people laughing in the world.


humor,Washington Post ,BBC News ,

The Last Laugh

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was a real hardass , who was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
One day, while on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to do something, to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO stormed up to the guy, leaning against the wall, and asked,"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF HERE, and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"
From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Life,Salawikain,CEO,delivery,pizza

Precision Skills

Forwarded by bhayi.

Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work.

He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer ......................... $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ......................... $ 9998.00


humor

3 Minute Management Course

Forwarded by Bayi

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

____________________________________

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. " They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bull sh#* might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

_____________________________________

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who sh#*'s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of #@* is your friend..

(3) And when you're in deep #@*, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the three minute management course.

The CEO means business

Forwarded by bayi.

The Last Laugh
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was a real hardass , who was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
One day, while on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to do something, to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO stormed up to the guy, leaning against the wall, and asked,"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF HERE, and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"
From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

humor,jokes

GLOBALIZATION

GLOBALIZATION


Forwarded by bayi


Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian , using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans .... That, my friends, is Globalization.

humor

BRITISH COMPLAINT LETTER OF THE YEAR

Forwarded by BAYI

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK
as complaint letter of the year

The Brits do have a way with words .... A real-life customer
complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept)

________________________________________________



Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I
signed up for your3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem,
and telephone. During this three-month period I have
encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide
specific details, so that you can either pursue your
professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -
or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with
my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no
doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks
later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet
server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm
-midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting
for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile
to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and
then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and
then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and
several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have
at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and
also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments
to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at
your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could
be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I
therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now
given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of
service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such
activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and quickly
be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John


humor

15 WAYS TO LIVE LONGER

Forwarded by polo

1. Do not oversleep

There's a reason not to hit the snooze button anymore: Sleeping too much can reduce life expectancy, according to a February 2002 study in the Archives of General Psychiatry. The study found that people who sleep more than eight hours per night had a significantly higher death rate than normal. But late-night-party-goers shouldn't rejoice: researches say that sleeping less than four hours also increases death rates. People who sleep between six and seven hours per night were shown to live the longest.

2. Be optimistic

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., found that optimistic people had a 50% decreased risk of early death compared with those who leaned more toward pessimism. The results, published in the August 2002 issue of Mayo Clinic Proceedings, make sense: Those with a positive outlook on life are probably less stressed, better equipped to deal with adversity and, consequently, healthier. Optimists also tend to have lower blood pressure than pessimists, which, again, is most likely related to how positive thinkers respond to stress.

3. Have Sex

No complaints here. There's decent evidence that sex helps keep us healthy, and thus increases longevity. But according to researchers, it's not necessarily an actual biological response generated by sex that makes us live longer. What's more likely is that having intimate sex means you are less stressed, happier and better rested--all factors that can lower blood pressure and protect against stroke and heart disease. A study published in the April 2004 Journal of the American Medical Association found that "high ejaculation frequency was related to decreased risk of total prostate cancer."

4. Get a pet


People who own pets, especially dogs, have been shown to be less stressed and require fewer visits to their physicians than non-owners. Survival rates for heart-attack victims who had a pet have been shown to be 12% longer than for those who did not have one, according to one of the first studies dealing with the impact pets can have on our health, led by researcher Erica Friedmann. Pet owners have also been shown to have lower blood pressure. The reasons are most likely related to an array of psychological factors, such as the facts that owning a pet decreases loneliness and depression, encourages laughter and nurturing, and stimulates exercise.

5. Get VAP test

It's estimated that about half of the people with heart disease--the No. 1 killer in the U.S.--have normal cholesterol levels, which raises serious doubt about the ability of traditional cholesterol tests to detect risk. But more advanced cholesterol tests, like the VAP test, made by the Birmingham, Ala.-based lab Atherotech, may remedy that. VAP measures important metrics that traditional tests miss. Regular tests only detect half of the people with heart disease, while the VAP has been shown to detect 90% of heart disease patients. That's important because lipid abnormalities can most often be rectified with medication and dietary changes. And the sooner you start making changes, the better.


6. Be Rich
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 24% of Americans whose family income is less than $20,000 are "limited" by chronic disease, whereas only 6% of people with an income of $75,000 or more have this problem. In general, population groups that suffer the worst health have the highest poverty rates and the least education. One possible explanation: Higher incomes permit access to better food and housing, safer neighborhoods and increased medical care. Higher incomes also increase the opportunity to engage in health-promoting behaviors. Of course, being a chief executive certainly exposes you to a high level of stress that can decrease life expectancy. But according to the data, striving to be financially comfortable is a good goal for aspiring centenarians.

7. Stop Smoking/Do not smoke

To say that smoking is bad for your health is, of course, not revelatory. But it still cannot be denied that quitting can significantly improve your prospects for a long life. Middle-aged men who are long-term, heavy smokers face twice the risk of developing more aggressive forms of prostate cancer than men who have never smoked, according to findings that appeared in the July 2003 issue of Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers and Prevention. According to a recent study in the Archives of Gerontology and Geriatrics, cigarette smoking has been clearly linked to the most common causes of death in the elderly.

8. Chill out


A study led by the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in 2002 found that men classified as having the highest level of anger in response to stress were over three times more likely to develop premature heart disease than men who reported lower anger responses. They were also over six times more likely to have a heart attack by the age of 55. One possible explanation is the correlation between anger and high blood pressure, a condition that commonly develops in highly stressed individuals. The lesson is simple: Try as much as you can to let unavoidable, everyday stresses roll off your shoulders.

9. Take antioxidants

Antioxidants, substances that are found in foods ranging from cinnamon to blueberries, can scavenge free radicals, compounds whose unstable chemical nature accelerates the effect of aging on our cells. Until these excess free radicals are quenched by antioxidant molecules, cellular damage accumulates. This contributes to an array of degenerative diseases, including atherosclerosis, Alzheimer's and cancer. Research shows that certain types of beans (kidney, pinto, black) are among the best sources of antioxidants, while blueberries and other berries follow close behind.

10. Marry well


While the phrase "marry well" is typically used to describe people who marry someone rich, we are talking about something entirely different: genetics. Apparently, longevity genes can be inherited. According to a February 2005 study in Mechanisms of Aging and Development, exceptional longevity and healthy aging is an inherited phenotype across three generations. So, for the single people out there, pick a spouse whose grandparents are still alive. This won't make you live longer, but it might help your children.

11 . Exercise

Get up and start moving. Not only does exercise help us maintain our weight, it improves our cardiovascular health, strengthens the bones and increases endorphins in the body--hormones that give us energy, make us happier and help ward off stress and disease. "If you don't use it, you lose it," says Dr. Merl Myerson, director of cardiovascular prevention at St. Luke'sRoosevelt Hospital in Manhattan. "We find that active people will do better, live longer."

12. Laugh a little

Laughter reduces levels of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. It also releases endorphins that work as pain killers and gives your blood circulation a boost. Not to mention it relaxes blood vessels and keeps a person from being angry--a significant predictor of heart disease. "The higher you score on anger and hostility, the greater the likely hood you'll have a heart attack," says Dr. David Fein, medical director at Princeton Longevity Center in New Jersey.

13. Lose Weight

For people who are overweight or obese, life is a ticking time bomb. They have increased risk of heart disease and several types of cancer, along with higher risk of developing Type 2 diabetes--a condition that is becoming an epidemic in the U.S. "The real way to lose weight is to cut back on food intake," says Dr. David Fein, Medical Director at Princeton Longevity Center in New Jersey. "People are under the impression that they can exercise weight off, but exercise is a means to maintain weight.

14. Manage Stress

Everyone has stress to a certain degree, but not everyone knows how to manage it. The key is to recognize what the big factors are in your life and how to mitigate them. Constant stress produces high levels of cortisol, which has been shown to impair cognitive functioning and weaken the immune system. "I think stress kills more people than just about anything else," says Dr. David Fein, medical Director at Princeton Longevity Center in New Jersey.


15. Meditate
According to Dr. Woodson Merrell of Beth Israel Hospital in New York City, the most powerful healing tool for stress and prolonged life is meditation. It clears the mind of thought and lets a person concentrate on tranquility. Fifteen minutes of meditation has been shown to produce a much more relaxed state of mind than one hour of the deepest sleep. Even starting the day with just two minutes of meditation can be beneficial. Sit with your spine erect and try to quiet your thoughts; it may help to concentrate on one word.

humor

Salesman and the New Technology

Forwarded by Bayi
Personal Services on a Vending Machine

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into
the opening, at which time the machine startedto buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds he pulled out his head andsurveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20." "Why not?"he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine startedto buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later h epulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read,"Machine provides a service men need when away from Their Wives, 50 Cents."He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member... which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.

humor,technology

ENGINEERING TERMINOLOGIES

FROM BHAYI
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are
still pissing in the wind.


2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO
THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.


3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.


4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks
very hi-tech.


5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far
behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.


6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The damn
thing blew up when we threw the switch.


7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised
that the stupid thing works.


8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only
person who understood the thing quit.


9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that
the situation is about hopeless.


10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems
for now.


11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility
for the screw up.


12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what
you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've
already done.


13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this
bull!


14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.


15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous
design.


16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!


17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.


18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.


19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.


20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

humor

ECONOMIC HITMAN

Forwarded from mail.

A very interesting book and a New York Best Seller, it I have chosen another non-fiction to read onboard my long-haul flights. It's a paperback version of a 2004 book, Confession of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins. An editor at Malaysian Business has been pestering me to read this book for months. I find it a rivetting read.

"...highly-paid professionals who cheat countries around the globe of trillions of dollars. They funnel money from the World Bank, the U.S. Agency for International development (USAID), and other foreign "aid" organisations into the coffers of huge corporations and the pockets of a few wealthy families who control the planet's natural resources.

Their tools include fradulent financial reports, rigged elections, payoffs, extortion, sex, and murder. They play a game as old as empire, but one that has taken on new and terrifying dimensions during this time of globalisation."

Perkins confessed that the book, conceived in 1982, was disrupted four times and delayed for over 22 years because he was threatened, and bribed, to get him kill the idea. But his only child, college-graduated Jessica, coaxed him into it despite his fears over the threats and bribes.

"Don't worry, dad. If they get you, I'll take over where you left off. We need to do this fo rthe grandchildren I hope to give you someday!" The daughter said. And the book came out in 2004, published by Berrett-Koehler, after the manuscript was reviewed by declined by a reputable international chain.


According to Perkins, the EHMs are the heralds of people who walk the corridors of Monsanto, General Electric, Nike, General Motors, Wal-Mart and the likes.

What is more alarming is that, when the EHMs failed, another type of hitman will take over -- the CIA.

When the CIA fail, in come the jackals, and heads of states are overthrown or die in violent "accidents".

And when even the jackals fail, then the old models resurface. Young Americans are sent in to kill and die. As in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Countries mentioned by Perkins in his capacity as an EHM are Indonesia (1963-1971), Panama and Saudi Arabia (1971-1975), Panama, Iran, Columbia and Ecuador (1975-1981), and Ecuador, Panama, Iraq and Venezuela (1081-Present).

The common string that ties all this economic espionage together is, among others, one commodity: Oil.

To those uninitiated into the EHMs, they often dress up as professionals from international consulting firms. They will convince developing countries to accept enourmous loans, often to see them default in a short number of years. The American government and international "aid agencies" will then request their "pound of flesh". Depending on the luck of the respective countries, the flesh may include access to natural resources, military cooperation, and political support that encompasses partisan votes in the UN.

Recycling Your Computer-PC's Life After Life

From Polo.

Here are suggestions to make use of your old computer.
All you need is some creativity. Some folks just did that.
The cannibalized pc components could find its way in the
different parts of a house.

It can save a lot of money when the tower is made into
a grill for family barbecue party at the backyard.
Yum yum.

The keyboards can be turned into a beautiful vase for
the coffee or side tables



or a duck model for display where else but on top of
your computer desk.




Boys would always have robot toys in their rooms. This
frog robot made out from mouse would make a splendid novel
addition to his collections.



or an airplane that goes with his trains, trucks and planes.


A crocodile-mouse will be a good conversation piece in the
office desk.



So is a porcupine-mouse.



Or just give your mouse a second lease of life with a happy
retirement in your office desk.



The monitor is a good dwelling place for your hamster.



humor,computer

Some Simple Unknown Facts...

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
3.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they
start with.
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your
heart stops for a millisecond.
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and
die.
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of
wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
21. All polar bears are left handed.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first-class.
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
24.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
25.In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have
over million descendants.
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
ear by 700 times.
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

Forwarded by Bayi.

humor

CORPORATE LIFE CYCLE

CORPORATE LIFE CYCLE

Here's an Indian analogy on Corporate Hierarchy.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS AND WE HAVE TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM OUR
ANCESTORS.

Part 1
An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different
levels, some climbing up.The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full
of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing
but assholes.

Part 2
All the time, the monkeys on the top will get the fruits first,(FAT PAYCHECK, STOCK OPTIONS, FRINGE BENEFITS SUCH AS VACATIONS, BONUSES and
most of the time, they will eventually produce SHIT(PROJECTS TO BE FINISHED WITHIN DEADLINE) for all the monkeys
below. And all the time, that's what the monkeys below will get.

Part 3
For those monkeys who are climbing up, they have to first kiss
plenty of ass in order to move up. How high they climb, will have to depend
on how good they kiss. And always if the one on top will not kiss
any ass, his ass will get KICKED!!!

Part 4
During times of great difficulties and hardship, the monkeys on the
top may break a few branches down and hit the monkeys below.The monkeys
below will be fallen upon and eventually some will fall off the tree,
as in retrenched. As compensation these monkeys that fell off get to keep
the fruits that were shaken off the tree during the commotion.The tree
becomes lighter and life slowly returns to normal. And that my friends
is what we call a corporate lifecycle.

FORWARDED BY BAYI

humor

The Apprentice and GOD

A man joined a big Multinational Company as a trainee/apprentice
in the Finance/Accounting Department.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee/apprentice.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,
you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Forwarded by Bayi

humor,apprentice

FOR SALE

The following is an advertisement from a real-life newspaper, which appeared 4 days in a row, the last 3 hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7pm & ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone
948-0707 & ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7pm"

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
"For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: "I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.I
smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected I haven't been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my house keeper but she quit!"

Forwarded by Bayi

humor

New Financial Jargon

Bull Market: - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market: - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing: - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio: - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker: - Poorer than you were last year.
Buy, Buy: - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Standard & Poor: - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst: - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split: - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner: - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction: - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow: - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Day Trader: - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Institutional Investor: - Past year investor who is now locked up in a nut house.
Enron, Worldcom also created these new terms:-
EBITDA - Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor
EBIT - Earnings before irregularities and tempering.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Chief Fraud Officer
NAV - Normal Andersen valuation
EPS - Eventual prison sentence.

humor

A Dear GOD story

There was a man who worked for the Post Office . His job was processing all mail with poorly written addresses. One day, a letter came addressed to God, in shaky handwriting . He decided to open it, to see what it was about.

The letter read,
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to his co- workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady, and addressed to God. Everyone gathered round, while the letter was opened.

It read; Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4.00 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.


humor