Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Blond Farmer's Problem

There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she couldn't tell apart.

She went to her neighbor and asked if he had any ideas to help her.

The neighbor told her to trim part of one horse's tails so one would be shorter than the other.

The blonde thanked her neighbor and went home. She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the fence.

Now the blonde had a problem because she couldnt tell the horses apart again. So she went back to her neighbor and asked him what she could do.

Her neighbor said to trim one of the horse's ears.

The blond thanked her neighbor again and went home. Then she trimmed one of her horse's ears. Now he could tell them apart. Until one day when the other horse go its ear caught in the fence.

Now the blond was stuck. So she went back to her neighbor. Her neighbor suggested that she measure her horses.

The blond thanked her neighbor once again and went home.

It turns out, that the black horse is two inches taller then the white horse,.


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Baptism

Forwarded by polo.

Three little Boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with Us.
Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".

" When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do You think We are?"

The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, ......because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, .because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, .....because they just sprinkle water on You."

The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!"

They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do You think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Loving Couple

Loving Couple

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
He said, "Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see,I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. She said, "Mom, when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about 6 months

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks,
"What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"


Monday, November 27, 2006

Martha Stewart Wanted

Martha Stewart wanted

This woman walked in her house and her husband was sitting on the couch watching football.

She asked him "Honey, could please change the lightbulb?"

He said "Does it look like i have A.C.E written on my forehead?"

She said "That's ok, could you please fix the fridge door?" and he said

"Does it look like I have General Electric written on my forehead?"

Then she asks "Honey could you please fix the steps, they are about to fall through" And then he said "Does it look like I am a carpenter" and so then she is mad and he leaves and goes to a bar.

When he gets back, he notices that everythings is fixed and he says "Honey how did you fix everything"

She said "I was sitting on the porch crying and a man came up and said what's wrong, and I told him the story and he said I will fix everything if you either sleep with me or bake me a cake"

and her husband said "Well what kind of cake did you bake him?" and she said

"Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"


Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Blind Men and the Elephant

The Blind Men and the Elephant

John Godfrey Saxe's ( 1816-1887) version of the famous Indian legend,

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.

The First approached the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
"God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!"

The Second, feeling of the tusk
Cried, "Ho! what have we here,
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me `tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!"

The Third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up he spake:
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a snake!"

The Fourth reached out an eager hand,
And felt about the knee:
"What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain," quoth he;
"'Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!"

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: "E'en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can,
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!"

The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Than, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope.
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a rope!"

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!


So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen!


Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Organist

The Organist

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a
very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that
they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said
something had to be done about this or they would have
to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told
her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them
on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but
warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though
because they are so sour, they will make your mouth
pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the
pulpit and said............. "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond
my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."


Friday, November 24, 2006

The Worried Wife

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with
relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said.
"What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such
a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't
had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I
have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed
to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she
said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour.
I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you.
I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house
to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In
fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home
and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not
coming over?"

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Women and Mafia


Q. Why are women worse than the mafia?

A: The mafia demands money or your life; women want both.

A 60 year-old couple was celebrating their 40 years of marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared!

"Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish."

The wife quickly chimed in,"I want to travel around the world."

The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
"Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and...

POOF!... He was 90!
What does a woman and a tornado have in common?

You can hear them both coming and they both take the house when they leave!
John and Lorraine had been dating each other for years and were getting bored of each other. They became like a married couple, nagging and sarcasm in all their conversations.

One day John met a girl named Cleary. She was pretty, smart and funny and John longed to break up with Lorraine and date Cleary but he couldn't.

Then one day Lorraine was walking along the side of a river when she fell in and drowned.

When John heard the news he was so happy he sang "I can see Cleary now, Lorraine is gone!"


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Sister, Got Milk?

Sister, Got Milk?

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.

However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"


Monday, November 20, 2006

Sipping Vodka and the Priest's Homily

Sipping Vodka and the Priest's Homily

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous, on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciplines, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "late JC".
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Saturday, November 18, 2006

Fishing License

Fishing License

Something to cheer those who felt discouraged by the recent revelations of a 30+ % bumi equity ownership:
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Forwarded by bayi


Thursday, November 16, 2006

Food for Thought-The Power of Prayers and the Tavern Owner

Food for Thought-The Power of Prayers and the Tavern Owner

The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene.

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased- until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them.

He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge.

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked:

"At this point I don't know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don't."

Forwarded by bayi.


Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Special Offer for the Week, Three for $5

Rabbi In A Confession

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."


Saturday, November 11, 2006

Religious Mother

Forwarded by bhayi.

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"