BRITISH COMPLAINT LETTER OF THE YEAR

Forwarded by BAYI

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK
as complaint letter of the year

The Brits do have a way with words .... A real-life customer
complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept)

________________________________________________



Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I
signed up for your3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem,
and telephone. During this three-month period I have
encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide
specific details, so that you can either pursue your
professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -
or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with
my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no
doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks
later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet
server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm
-midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting
for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile
to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and
then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and
then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and
several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have
at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and
also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments
to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at
your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could
be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I
therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now
given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of
service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such
activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and quickly
be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John


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