Saturday, May 27, 2006
Here are suggestions to make use of your old computer.
All you need is some creativity. Some folks just did that.
The cannibalized pc components could find its way in the
different parts of a house.
It can save a lot of money when the tower is made into
a grill for family barbecue party at the backyard.
The keyboards can be turned into a beautiful vase for
the coffee or side tables
or a duck model for display where else but on top of
your computer desk.
Boys would always have robot toys in their rooms. This
frog robot made out from mouse would make a splendid novel
addition to his collections.
or an airplane that goes with his trains, trucks and planes.
A crocodile-mouse will be a good conversation piece in the
So is a porcupine-mouse.
Or just give your mouse a second lease of life with a happy
retirement in your office desk.
The monitor is a good dwelling place for your hamster.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
3.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your
heart stops for a millisecond.
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of
wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
21. All polar bears are left handed.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first-class.
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
24.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
25.In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have
over million descendants.
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
ear by 700 times.
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
Forwarded by Bayi.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Here's an Indian analogy on Corporate Hierarchy.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS AND WE HAVE TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM OUR
An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different
levels, some climbing up.The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full
of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing
All the time, the monkeys on the top will get the fruits first,(FAT PAYCHECK, STOCK OPTIONS, FRINGE BENEFITS SUCH AS VACATIONS, BONUSES and
most of the time, they will eventually produce SHIT(PROJECTS TO BE FINISHED WITHIN DEADLINE) for all the monkeys
below. And all the time, that's what the monkeys below will get.
For those monkeys who are climbing up, they have to first kiss
plenty of ass in order to move up. How high they climb, will have to depend
on how good they kiss. And always if the one on top will not kiss
any ass, his ass will get KICKED!!!
During times of great difficulties and hardship, the monkeys on the
top may break a few branches down and hit the monkeys below.The monkeys
below will be fallen upon and eventually some will fall off the tree,
as in retrenched. As compensation these monkeys that fell off get to keep
the fruits that were shaken off the tree during the commotion.The tree
becomes lighter and life slowly returns to normal. And that my friends
is what we call a corporate lifecycle.
FORWARDED BY BAYI
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
in the Finance/Accounting Department.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee/apprentice.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
Forwarded by Bayi
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7pm & ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone
948-0707 & ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7pm"
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
"For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: "I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.I
smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected I haven't been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my house keeper but she quit!"
Forwarded by Bayi
Monday, May 15, 2006
Bear Market: - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing: - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio: - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker: - Poorer than you were last year.
Buy, Buy: - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Standard & Poor: - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst: - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split: - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner: - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction: - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow: - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Day Trader: - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Institutional Investor: - Past year investor who is now locked up in a nut house.
Enron, Worldcom also created these new terms:-
EBITDA - Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor
EBIT - Earnings before irregularities and tempering.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Chief Fraud Officer
NAV - Normal Andersen valuation
EPS - Eventual prison sentence.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
The letter read,
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to his co- workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady, and addressed to God. Everyone gathered round, while the letter was opened.
It read; Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4.00 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Promotion.
- That's Tech Support .
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there
could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center
and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.
Friday, May 12, 2006
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait
just a minute!"
She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So, her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" exclaimed the friend.
"Sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
forwarded by BAYI.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, but when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him another not so pleasant name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care, because I had come into town by bus, and it wasn't my car.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired, and my doctor says that it's important at my age.
forwarded by bhayi
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1, fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering: does the Fire Deptartment put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir. Do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well... do you think the Fire Deptartment could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine-eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine-eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one?
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am; nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn, I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn!
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Forwarded by Polo
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Fuji Sankei Building
"The Astra Haus"
The strange building is actually a brewery in Hamburg, Germany. The floors can move up or down on it's skinny column core. As of now, the unique building has been destroyed. One of it's more famous beer brands was recently bought by a big refreshment corporation. And that beer brand was called Astra.
This hotel's unique design was directly inspired by the traditional temples in Japan. The Tokyo Sofitel has over 72 rooms, and 11 suites with 3 non-smoking floors. And 5 meeting rooms that includes high-tech boardrooms. Please realize that you have to sell your soul in order to step foot inside this amazing hotel
"The Wilson Hall"
This somewhat modernize building was actually built between 1971 and 1974. It's unique design gives the Wilson Hall a great sense of structure, and a prominent landmark for the skyline. The building provides big laboratories, offices, and supports space for over 1500 scientists. And it houses all kinds of strange experiments.
We wonder what type of work goes on inside this kind of a building. The unofficial Triangle Building is just a wonder to look at and to ponder over. But, can this be one of the evil headquarters for Scientology or Starbucks? Does this building have triangle bathrooms? There's so many damn questions!
The Bank of Asia is a very famous building in Bangkok. It was made way back in 1985, and it's robotic appearance is just a symbol of the modernization of banking. It also has the ability to transform into a mega-robot. So, if Godzilla ever decided to show his green face in the land of Bangkok, they would have to fight!
Take a journey into the unknown with a building called Wonder Works. It's central Florida's only upside down attraction. And an amusement park for your mind, and your stoner friends. This odd building has over 100 wacky interactive exhibits for your entire family to experience.
You know that your looking at a real building right? The Crooked House was built in 2004 as an addition at a popular shopping center, and is a major tourist attraction in Sopot, Poland.
Here's a building that should really get your attention when walking pass it. The Dancing House is considered as one of the more real controversial buildings in Prague. The DH was actually designed by a great architect from California, which only proves that he had done some type of hallucinogen while designing it.
"135 Degree Angle"
This bizarre house really doesn't have an official name, but it does have a 135 degree angle. So that's what we're going to call it. Unfortunately, the only info we have about this house is that it was built in China or Japan. And that it has a silly pink roof. And if you look real close, you'll notice that it's on a 135 degree damn angle.
Monday, May 08, 2006
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic.
"Next semester in her biology class."
Forwarded by Bayi.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
While he was checking the books, he turned to the rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," said the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh, do you now," replied the auditor a little disappointed that his unusual question had been met with such a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way.
"What about all the matzo you have purchased," he asked. "What do you do with all the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them, send them back to the bakery and every now and then they send us a free box of matzo balls."
"Hmmm..." replied the auditor, beginning to realise that the Rabbi was more than a match for him.
"Well then rabbi," he continued, determined to catch him out, "what do you do with all the left over foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi without a blink. "We save them and send them to the tax office. And about once a year they send us a complete prick."
The wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and she suddenly shouts:
"Up!! Quick! My husband is back!!"
The man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his butt and then
"Damn, I'm the husband!"
Forwarded by Bayi.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
1st, everything you do will always leave a mark. That's the legacy you wishes to leave behind when you're gone.
2nd, you can always correct your mistakes. That's your life long learning experiences. John Maxwell calls this Failing Forward.
3rd, what is important is what is inside you. That's your philosophy and your true self.
4th, in life you will undergo painful sharpenings which will make you a better pencil. Like the wisemen say, no pain no gain. What are you prepared to give up in order to go up?
5th, to be the best pencil you can you must allow yourself to be guided by the hand that holds you. Never, never think you know it all. Let the wisdom of mentorship guide you through your life journey.
Forwarded by BAYI
Last week, my wife and I nasa work. So kids and yaya lang naiwan sa haus.
though tabi-tabi namn mga haus namin ng kapitbahay, ala townhouse po, me 2
lalaki raw na dumating sa haus namin asking IF ME COMPUTER kami sa haus,
buti medyo alerto yung yaya namin ang sabi wala.
These 2 men nagpakilala na NBI agents, i check daw software baka pirated. Eh
sinabi ng yaya na wala nga computer sabay sara ng pintuan, buti me gate pa muna
bago main door.
Tapos last saturday, pumasok ako sa ofc 8am, naiwan wife
ko, yaya and kids. Bandang 9-10am me dumating ulit na 2 lalaki,
aayusin daw yung shower namin kse sira.
Though sinabi na rin ng yaya namin na andun si ako at misis ko sa
haus, nag insist pa rin. Sinabi rin ng yaya na hindi naman sira shower namin
sabay sara ulit ng pintuan.
Kaya mga kapatid, take extra precaution, i-brief nyo mabuti mga kasama nyo sa
bahay at kapitbahay paki-sabihan. para aware din
sila sa mga kung sinu-sinong kumakatok sa mga pintuan nyo. kaya pati
mga bill collectors di namin ini-entertain sa haus. kung minsan kse yung
mga yan ang nagtitimbre at nag susurveilance kung sino ang mga tao sa bahay
at kung kelan walang tao.
forwarded by polo.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Last year I upgraded from GIRLFRIEND 7.0 to WIFE 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and
In addition, WIFE 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Football 5.0,
HuntingAndFishing 7.5, and
I can't seem to keep WIFE 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm
thinking about going back to GIRLFRIEND 7.0, but the
uninstall doesn't work on WIFE 1.0. Please hurry, I
(Keep reading) _____________________________________
Dear Troubled User:
Slow down...this is a very common problem that men
often complain about. Many people upgrade from
GIRLFRIEND 7.0 to WIFE 1.0, thinking that it is just a
Utilities and Entertainment program. WIFE 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed to run EVERYTHING! It
is also impossible to delete WIFE 1.0 and to return to
GIRLFRIEND 7.0 without the enormous expense of
installing DivorceHer 8.5. Without this VERY
EXPENSIVE program, it is impossible to uninstall, or
purge the program files of WIFE 1.0 from the system
once installed. You cannot go back to ok in
your WIFE 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support". I recommend that you keep WIFE 1.0 and work
on improving the situation. I further suggest
installing the background application "YesDear 3006.2"
to alleviate software augmentation.
In the long run, the best course of action is to enter
the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will
have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
While WIFE 1.0 is a great program, it tends to require
an extreme amount of high maintenance. Costly, but
beneficial. WIFE 1.0 comes with several support
programs, such as CleanAndSweep 3.0, CookIt 1.5 and
DoBills 4.2. However, be v-e-r-y careful how you use
these programs. Improper use will cause the system to
launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of WIFE 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1
and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! NO MATTER HOW TEMPTED, DO NOT, under any
circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by WIFE 1.0 and will
cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Forwarded by POLO
Thursday, May 04, 2006
His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the
driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this
Forwarded by Bayi.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know—she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right—how freaking likely is THAT to happen?"
Forwarded by Bayi.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a senior manager or a CEO"
Forwarded by Bayi.
Monday, May 01, 2006
He's hanging there for dear life. He's hanging and hanging and finally calls out, 'Is there anybody up there that can help me?"
There's no answer.
He keeps calling and calling and finally this big bellowing voice calls back, 'This is God. I can help you. Just let go and trust.'
Next thing you hear, 'Is there anybody else up there that can help me?'
Forwarded by bayi.